Secrets
by Ellis Mackenzie
Summary: Madison keeps herself hidden, even from Ephram. [Pre Burden of Truth]
1. Undone

_You make me undone._

Madison had meant that when she said it, staring into Ephram's adoring, adolescent eyes. She didn't know why she used the word "undone," because the impact of Ephram on her was so much more _intense_ than the word could mean. It certainly did not describe the feelings inside of her. She was afraid of herself, of her feelings for Ephram. On one level, she never wanted to see him again… she wanted to pack a bag, jump in her VW and ride until Everwood was far behind her.

But then he looked at her… and when Ephram looked at her, his eyes twinkling in the available light, she could feel herself weaken. Madison was not often weak, or at least that's what she convinced herself, but Ephram Brown was her kyrptonite, her private weakness. Although she had told Ephram she'd like to tell his father about them; about the feelings and emotions they shared, deep down she did not want Andy to know. There were so many reasons why Andy should not know about them, why he could not, why it would wreck everything. Madison knew eventually their secret would be discovered, and that frightened her… because if one ugly secret can surface, others can surely follow.

Madison Kellner had many ugly secrets, secrets which even the best of her friends did not know. There were even some she kept hidden from Ephram. Everyone has their faults, even though most people refuse to acknowledge them. Everyone has a nasty habit they like to keep private, secret sins they hold tightly to, hoping desperately no one will ever find them out.


	2. Home

Madison let herself into her parents home with a key; it slid into the lock silently and turned without resistance. The door swung open, creaking slightly on its rusty hinges. Madison cringed at the noise, which in the quiet kitchen seemed so loud, looking around to see if it had woken anyone up. When no one appeared, Madison let out the breath she had been holding and shut the door.

It was bitterly cold in the night outside; the heat of the house swelled around Madison, who remained strangely cold. She shivered involuntarily, pulling her bulky sweater closer to her body. She set her purse on the counter near the door and carefully laid her keys down with it. Again, she glanced around, but there was still no one there. She sighed with relief, some tension draining from her as her shoulders slumped. Taking a deep breath, she made her way to her step-father's study.

The study was down the hall, past the bathroom and the linen closet. Her parents were sleeping in the master bedroom at the head of the hall, so she walked lightly, completely bypassing the creaky boards so that no sound was made. Madison reached the door and opened it, going inside and shutting the door softly behind her. Once in the study, Madison did not turn on a light; she dared not reveal her presence in this house due to past experiences; besides, she was able to navigate the room in the semi darkness, using only the dim light from the window. Madison walked behind the desk and knelt, using her hands to grope around underneath it. After a moment, she found what she was looking for.

The bottle of whiskey was a brand she did not care for; it was too harsh and hard to swallow. Madison cringed as stood, bottle in hand. Cradling the bottle closely to her chest, she made her way out of the study and into the hall.

"Madison?" Her step-father's voice sounded surprised and disdainful. Before turning around, Madison stuffed the bottle of whiskey under her sweater and took a deep breath. Her step-father held a glass of water in one hand, two small white pills in the other. Madison smiled sweetly, using her free hand to push her hair behind her hair.

"Rich. Feeling ill?" Madison tried to sound concerned, knowing she sounded false even in her own ears.

"Feeling ill?" He mocked her, sneering. "What are you doing here so late? Need money?"

"I don't come home just to get money," Madison said, trying to hide her apprehensiveness. The bottle was getting heavy, making her fingers tremble to bear its weight. It could slip at any moment, and Madison was more than ready to leave.

"Then why are you here, Maddie?" Rich sneered again, his tone condescending to the extreme. He knew she hated that nickname; that is why he liked using it so much to address her.

"I just wanted to be here for awhile. You know, feeling close to Mom and all that." Madison knew her lie was as transparent as Ziploc baggies, but her mind was buzzing guiltily. "I wanted to be warm."

"Filthy little liar," he snarled, suddenly moving forward, going past her. "Go home or where ever the hell you go." he pushed her aside with one hand and she felt into the wall. Her free hand stopped her body from reeling, but the bottle slipped precariously out of her hands. As Rich stalked into the master bedroom and shut the door firmly behind him, the bottle left Madison's hand completely.

"No!" She said under her breath, moving her legs so that the bottle was safely caught between her thigh and the wall. Carefully, she bent over and took the whiskey bottle in both of her hands. She stood up straight, and with a quick glance down the hall, she went back to the kitchen. After picking up her things, Madison hurriedly left the stiflingly warm house without bothering to lock the door behind her. The biting night air was a welcome sensation as it cascaded over her face.

Madison could see her breath float eerily up past her face as she walked quickly to her car. Once inside, she turned the heat all the way up, making the hot air blast through the tiny automobile. Before leaving, Madison carefully laid the whiskey bottle in the passenger seat, placing her purse on top of it. Without a second glance, she left her parents' house and drove off into the night.

She knew exactly where she was going. She tried to pretend that she didn't, that when she got there she'd be surprised. Madison liked to fool herself in little ways, because somehow, when the little things seemed good, the bigger things seemed less daunting. And she did not want any problems, not tonight. Tonight was a night for her to forget, for her to clear her mind and make believe she was okay.


	3. Bitterness and a Bottle

Madison drove on and the streetlights became sparsely placed on the sides of the back road she was on. The road seemed to wind directly in the mountains, and it was so long, at times it seemed as though it stretched to the starlit sky above. But Madison knew better. She pulled her car off of the road, easing it down a well-beaten path in the dirt. The trees rolled past, so thick and dense that no star could shine its way into Madison's car.

Finally, Madison pulled the car to a stop, and turned it off. She left the key in the ignition so that the dashboard lights were still glowing softly. They were the only illumination available to Madison, but it was all she needed. Heaving a deep sigh, as though just getting here took a tremendous weight off her shoulders, Madison leaned the driver's seat back slightly and reached for the whiskey.

She opened the bottle easily, deftly twisting the cap off. With a flick of her wrist, the cap was lost in the back seat. Madison stopped for a second, her eyes unconsciously flickering towards her glove department. She kept a small glass in there, just for occasions like this. She reached for it and paused. Deciding against using the glass, she brought the whiskey bottle up to her lips and took a swig.

The whiskey slid down her throat, burning all the way to her stomach. It began to settle on top of the food that Madison had eaten hours ago, making her feel strange. Without hesitating, Madison took another great drink and cringed as the burning sensation grew. She set the bottle in her lap, leaning against her chest. It was a brand new bottle, and so heavy. Closing her eyes, Madison leaned back in her seat, trying not to think about anything unpleasant. Inevitably, she did.

Madison's thoughts were drawn almost immediately to Ephram, but she quickly distracted herself by taking another drink. This time the whiskey seemed stuck in her throat, choking her, burning her. Madison began to cough violently, and eventually the lump in her throat dissipated, falling into her stomach with the rest of her problems. But, to Madison's dismay, her thoughts still lingered on Ephram.

Ephram Brown was nearly perfect. He was the caring, sensitive guy she'd been dreaming about since she discovered she liked boys. He was tall and handsome, and his eyes were to die for. And the way he put his hands over hers, slid his arms around her shoulders, the way his lips would play with hers during a good-bye kiss… Madison took a swig from the bottle, again trying to distract herself. Her head began to spin, but it still focused heavily on Ephram. When she began to think of how she felt when Ephram would draw her body close to his—so close that no daylight would pass between them, her mind wandered in places she knew it should not go, and finally her underlying frustration surfaced. _If only he were older…_

Cursing herself as she so often did, Madison began to cry. She felt so helpless, so small, so weak. The booze made her weak, made her helpless, and she knew it. Yet without it, she felt strangely empty, like something vital was missing. It was a cycle she hated repeating, but she always seemed to wind up in the same place, in the same situations, with the same idiot boyfriends.

Madison involuntarily shivered, looking out the window at the forest around her. There were no other cars here, at least, none that she could see, and she was grateful. Pity parties were one of her secret allowances, and she liked to party alone. The trees were dark, creating mysterious shapes as the wind blew. Madison locked her doors before realizing how silly the action was.

_Like anyone would come here for you_, she reproached herself, drinking out of the bottle again. As she wiped at the stray droplets running down her chin, Madison smiled bitterly to herself. No, no one could be coming after her.

Madison's body was beginning to relax, but her mind was still going at faster paced speeds than she felt prepared to handle. Unbidden, memories arose of the first time Madison had been taken into these woods. She had been young, then, only fourteen. Young and so nervous. Her first boyfriend, her first love, had been Steven Artson. He had been only sixteen and barely that, but they had been dating for almost a year. Madison had absolutely adored him, trusting him completely in all things. That was why when Steven suggested a trip to Everwood's private "Lover's Lane," she did not question him.

She lied to her mother for the first time them, telling her she'd been at Susie Bonebreak's house. Steve had picked her up four blocks from her house and they had driven to the same spot Madison was at now. It had been dark then, too, and Madison had been just as glad. Steven could not see her shake. He stopped the car and waited for Madison to get in the back. After that, all Madison remembered were feelings and sensations she didn't understand… and the very next day, Steve called her and told her he had someone else. Someone older, someone prettier… someone _better_.

Unconsciously, Madison began to shiver, as if reliving her awful experience. Her clumsy introduction to becoming a "woman," had been horrific; she had never told a soul what went on the back of Steve's '88 Volvo. Usually the whiskey—or gin or vodka, whatever Madison had been able to steal—muted these memories, but tonight was different. Madison was still dwelling over her awful choices and memories, thinking again how her love always seemed to deteriorate. All of her relationships failed, due largely because she could never get close, truly close, to her mate.

_Not this time, _Madison told herself, her thoughts for once grateful to return to Ephram. _It can be different with him. It_ will _be different with him._

The whiskey that had done such a good job numbing her body and senses was now taking over her mind. The bottle was more than half empty now, slipping out of her fingers and onto the floor. The thick liquid spilled onto the floor carpeting, but Madison did nothing. She only watched the dark stain grow, devouring the light color of the interior, spreading until it could spread no more.

Suddenly, the disgust she felt for herself rose in her throat, making her want to purge the whiskey and weakness from her body and mind for good. Her face scrunched up and she bit her lip, trying to stop the tears. They rolled down anyway, warm tears sliding down her flushed cheeks.

_Oh my, God,_ Madison cried silently, the words echoing in her head. She didn't know if God was listening, but if He was, she hoped He would deliver her from this misery. _How could I explain this to Ephram? What would he think of me?_

"Oh… my… God…" Madison choked, trying to cough and blanche at the same time. Opening the car door, she threw up, the bile hitting the ground with a sickening sound Madison wanted to instantly forget. After Madison closed the door, she shivered. The cold air had been sucked into the car, making it much colder than it had been previously, but Madison decided she didn't mind. She felt so hot, so flush…

Suddenly, Madison could hold her head up no longer. Her neck relaxed and her eyelids slid down. The last thing Madison saw was the dashboard's clock changing to 12:01.

"Good morning to me," she murmured to herself, resisting no longer. She blacked out and slept, dreaming no dreams.


	4. Make Believe

Part 4 – Make Believe

When Madison woke up, the sun was high in the sky, although the effect was somewhat lessened by the dense foliage of the trees. She managed to stretch slightly and yawn before the pain in her head became apparent. Groaning under the tremendous pressure pounding her skull, Madison reached over to her glove compartment. After rummaging around for a moment, she found what she was looking for. She took the aspirin bottle and dumped out three little pills before chucking it back into the compartment and slamming it closed.

Madison looked around for something to take them with. Looking down, she saw the whiskey bottle lying on its side, most of its contents on the floor next to her feet. Leaning over, she picked up the bottle. There was just a little left; enough to take three lousy aspirins with at any rate. She swallowed them quickly before opening her door and throwing the bottle out. When it crashed and shattered against a fallen log, she winced; it sounded so loud. Taking a quick look around to make sure no one had seen or heard her, Madison closed the car door.

She turned the car on and listened to the odd humming of the engine for a moment, reflecting on what she could remember of the night before. She exhaled heavily, smacking her lips several times, trying to lessen the sourness of whiskey and morning breath so potent in her mouth. She tried to forget the bitterness that had been so present, so near last night, hoping that maybe this was the last time this would happen. But she knew she would not.

Fighting the tears threatening to fall, Madison took a deep breath and fastened her seatbelt. Putting her foot on the gas petal, she got back on the main road, unsure of where she was going. Ignoring the picture of Ephram in her mind, along with the other jumbled images of her past and present, Madison tried to smile. It came out terribly disfigured, a sad imitation of her real, vibrant smile. Trying one more time to clear her head, she sighed and thought a moment.

"Everyone has secrets."


End file.
